Roadblocks, logjams, tangled threads...

I have a million things to say but can't get the thoughts out. I feel like there's a block in my mouth, my throat, or in this case, my fingers - everything wants to come out simultaneously and the channel is just not wide enough, so they're all piling up, pushing on me, on each other. Like a logjam.

Or maybe it's like a huge tangle of thread. All I need to do is find an end to start with, and the rest will start to flow. Now, where's that thread end?

Frustrating.

Forgiving

Oscar Wilde wrote that children love their parents, then they judge them; rarely do they forgive them. I remember my childhood and was mostly unforgiving for so many years. All the pain, the blame, the grief I've carried around for so long, clouding everything in my life, and only recently has it . I've learned that as I come to understand them, and the more I'm willing to hold love in my heart, forgiveness eventually comes. Damn, though - the years pass quickly and forgiveness seems to take so long!

Now that my children are in their twenties I'm facing the other side of the coin - they're judging me. Ouch! Feeling that judgment from the other side is not pleasant. Karmic, maybe. I'm not finished forgiving my parents yet but I have a new appreciation for them and what they went through. The compulsion to understand and forgive is much stronger.

What can I do for my children so that they don't need to spend 40 years holding me responsible for their lives, wanting to hold me accountable for whatever I did, or didn't do? I believe that most kids have issues with their parents - things they blame them for - regardless the circumstances of their upbringing. It's not that I want or need to be blame free, I just don't want to see them suffer with blame and grief as I did. In retrospect it seems like wasted time, although I've learned much in the process.